Should I break up with him or break off the engagement? :(?

My fiance of 1 year (and boyfriend for one year before that, friend for 1 year before that) (plus I knew him from high school for a total of knowing him for 5 years) was acting distant a little over a month ago. He was less affectionate towards me, and when I'd ask him what was wrong he told me nothing. I finally got him to tell me in an email (since he says he is horrible at expressing himself in words) that he does not think we should be considering marriage. He says that he saw me hanging out with other friends (ones that I have not seen in 2 years btw) and that it was the most he's seen me laugh in a long time, and that we don't have that much fun together anymore and maybe I'd be happier with someone else (which is bs--I just hadn't seen them in a while).





I am at a loss for words. He feels that our differences should make us rethink getting married since it could cause us problems later down the road.





One of these problems is that he now has suddenly changed his mind about where we will live. I want to live near my family (well not down the street, but in the same state) and now all of a sudden he does not want to live here anymore and when I compromise and say I possibly will move, he does not compromise at all.





The most drastic issue is that does not want me raising our kids as Christian, or at least taking them to church. Earlier on in the engagement he said I could do whatever I wanted though. Also, he knew I was religious several years ago before we even started dating!! Three times over the past several months I have brought up this issue about us being of different denominations, and he said that it didn't matter and our love could get us through it. Now all of a sudden, he has cold feet and says it could be a problem! Ironically over the past couple months, I have started to believe that it could work if we made it, and became really happy thinking about how we would start planning our wedding in less than a year (we are getting married in 2 years after graduating college).





This past month though has been very frustrating because I cannot get him to talk to me about the situation! Whenever I try, he just shuts up and does not say anything, I'm not even exaggerating! Perhaps I am just being too pushy about it, but I hate being in this land of limbo and not knowing whether he is really going to be my husband or not. Then last week, he finally opened up and talked about it for a few hours, and said that we were happier when we were 'just friends', which my other friend says is b.s. He said maybe we could try being friends for a few days and see how it goes. After day one, I gave up (because it was too emotionally painful) and told him I wanted to go on a break for a week.





However, during this break, he still would contact me over the internet, and when he'd see me at school, he wouldn't hesitate to talk to me. It is really frustrating. I am his best friend, as he is mine. He told me that he doesn't want to lose me as his friend because I am all he has. But he is pushing me away so much, that it is so hard to be friends, even! I wanted to give him time over this past week to think things over, but he still hasn't come to a conclusion (the week will be over tomorrow). He says he still loves me. When I said ';yeah, but you aren't IN love with me,'; he said '; no'; and that he is in love with me.





He is a great guy, and I know that he is just very confused right now, and has no one to talk to regarding these emotions he has.





Yesterday, I was thinking that I should break up with him for good. Someone else I talked to thinks that it will maybe if I do it will make breaking up a reality for him, and he could come back to me if he realizes the implications of what he is doing. Either that or I am considering just breaking off the engagement only. I am so unsure of what to do! I love him so much. He is my first love, and really want to try and work through our problems!! I have thought of counseling, but being a college student, I don't really have money to pay for that...unless anyone knows of a church or something that does free premarital counseling..





I am at a huge fork in the road! HELP! PLEASE! thank you!Should I break up with him or break off the engagement? :(?
Rejection is God's protection.





Don't try to change him. Don't make ultimatums. Don't pout. Don't cry.





He needs to just be himself.





And now that you know this about him, is this what you want to sign up for? Someone who communicates like this?





Is this a deal breaker?





Personally, I think you can do better than him!





*


*


*Should I break up with him or break off the engagement? :(?
It sounds like he's done some thinking and made an adult decision. You can attempt couples counseling to see if the relationship is salvagable. Since you are in college, check with your student health center to see if they have therapists that you can talk with, or see if there is someone in your church who is a mediator or counselor that you could ask to donate a few sessions.





But, things do not look good if you are ';on breaks'; already.





Edit: I mostly disagree with the above answerer. As an agnostic/athiest, it would be a deal breaker if my spouse wanted to make our kids go to church. I would not have married a person who I have such fundamental differences with. It doesn't make you bad and it doesn't make him bad; it's just a major disagreement that will snowball unless you can work something out.
He doesn't want to marry you. He's growing and so are you and this is why marriages built in childhood do not last. He's getting to know himself better and knows that you're not the one for him.





So let him go.
It sounds like he is looking for a way to tell you he doesnt want to be together anymore and just doesnt have the guts to come right out and say it. You could try counselling all you wanted, but if he doesnt want to be with you no amount of counselling is going to change that. I guess I'm not a believer in counselling. I think in order for a couple to last through the years they need to be able to work through their own problems. You cant change a person. If he is unwilling to compromise then someone telling him he needs to learn isnt going to make him change. I think its time you really think if this relationship is whats best. Sit him down and tell him while you do love him and were hoping to spend your life with him, you feel as though he is no longer interested in being with you and comrpomising with you to make things work. If this is really how he feels then maybe it is best you go your own seperate ways. See what he has to say.
Break up and be thankful he is smart enough to see you both are not meant to be together.





Love will not get you through some of these issues.





Go get a college education and live on your own for a while. After you turn 25 then look for a husband.
You should stay together but just wait a while to get married. 21 years old is really young still. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years in November, and I'm 23, and still not engaged. There is no reason to rush marriage and if you guys aren't ready for it then just let your relationship grow for a while until you are.
You should go to therapy. Do you have health insurance? A lot of plans pay for family therapy. Me and my fiance go and it's only a $20 copay per visit.


How old are you? Maybe you are growing up and apart? A lot of this happens to couples under 25.


You can work through the faith issue. I am Roman Catholic and my fiance doesn't practice a religion. He believe in God, but not organized religion. We have agreed that I could take the children to mass, but we will expose them to all religions and faiths so that they can make an informed choice later on in life. I'm not a closed minded Catholic.


It really sounds like you guys are just young and growing up. You are finding out who you are and what you want out of life. What you want at 19 isn't even important at 25. I'm sure the same goes for when you are 30 the things you wanted at 25 seem childish.





Edit for answer below: My fiance isn't agnostic/atheist. The two don't even compare. Atheist don't believe in any kind of higher power. Agnostic just don't believe in the christian God. My fiance would be Buddhist if he had to be labeled. We respect each other. That's what adults do. You don't have to believe in the same thing to make it work. There is nothing wrong with exposing your children to different faiths and religions. We both agree to that. If he was atheist I could see how this would be a problem. Actually it wouldn't because I wouldn't date an atheist anyway.





Edit again: I really think you should seek therapy. Sometimes we need that third unbiased professional opinion. Sometimes we open up more in therapy. Therapy has saved millions of marriages I'm sure. Sometimes we find out things about ourselves that are affecting the relationship. Sometimes we can't see our own faults until it's discussed. So give it a try. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. at least you know you tried everything you could before you just broke up.
I believe there's a saying something like: Set it free and if it comes back it was meant to be. Maybe he just needs to be set free, then he can feel free enough to choice. Marriage is a huge responsibility and sometimes we forget how much pressure the guys feel. I know you love him very much, I can tell you are so torn by all of this but I also sense you are a very wise young woman. Think about it and maybe you will see that freedom is best for everyone. Hope you're back on here in a year worrying about have you picked the right dress!!! Best of luck and continue to be who you are, don't change for anyone.